6 Common Expectations That
Will Sabotage My Marriage
Will Sabotage My Marriage
- My Spouse should complete me. "You complete me" might be
a great romantic line for Hollywood movies but it can be detrimental
to marriages. This expectation prevents us from taking personal responsibility
for our own completeness. If we are not living as a complete person
we will naturally expect our spouse to fill in our gaps. However, when
two complete and whole adults come together they are free to compliment
(enhance and bring out the best) each other. This is the foundation
of a healthy and happy marriage.
- My spouse should meet all my needs. This expectation often operates
beneath the sonar of our awareness. You might recognize this as "my
spouse should make me feel loved" therefore, if I feel unloved
it is my spouse's fault. Actually, it is impossible for others to meet
all of our needs. We can, however, begin to recognize our needs and
learn how to have all of our needs met once and for all; but that's
another article altogether.
- My spouse should know what my needs are without having to be told
or reminded. This expectation is closely related to the preceding one.
In a sense, we are expecting our spouse to be a mind reader, which is
impossible and unfair. This expectation is quite different from effectively
communicating our needs to each other.
- My spouse shouldn't make mistakes. This is usually more about us than
it is about our spouse. When our spouse makes mistakes it can cause
us to feel insecure and unsettled. At some level, we assume that we
would feel secure and loved if our spouse was perfect. This sabotages
on a couple of different levels; first, we set up our spouse for failure
because he/she is human and as such, will make mistakes. Second, we
give away our personal power by expecting someone outside of ourselves
and God to make us feel okay.
- My spouse should do things my way. This might include: thinking the
way I think, behaving as I behave or doing things the way that I do
them. This expectation is damaging because even though we, and our spouses,
can come to a consensus on many things, we are both separate individuals
with different histories. How and why we do things is part of what makes
us unique.
- My spouse is responsible for making me attracted to him/her. When we find that we are no longer attracted to our spouse we somehow blame them. When the attractions suddenly become irritations we need to look within ourselves and not to our spouse. It may well be that our spouse is mirroring back to us areas that we are resisting within our self.
—Author Unkown
